toxic

it has shifted! to a new place! (=

toxic within !

im the queen

lying on a hammock hung between two tall swaying coconut trees, with a good book beside me, pleasant music accompanying me. my life

some shallow and immature acquaintances. i dunno who you are, and i dun think we know each other very well. maybe just some smiles and hellos, but still i dun think you know me THAT WELL to crtiticise me. who are you anyway to condemn me. sorry to say that, but you’ve got no rights to. if i do see you one day, and if i gt the courage to, i’ll give you a tight slap across your stupid silly foul mouth.

some just want to hang on even though its no use. wake up ba. love doesnt cure everything. its doesnt make u rich. it doesnt make u full. it cant make u carry on your life doing nothing, but just love. at least i know letting go is a relieve. some people just dont get it.

to people who thinks and say that im materialistic or money-face, bitch or whatever. a word for you. <DARNS>  (=

btw, serene neo. if u happen to read this, u haven tell me how to change the skin of ‘a place of my own’. you owe me okay

some ppl jus eeks.! pls get out of my life!

life’s been pretty good up till now. except that im broke! hoho! seem to have more regrets nowadays, i dunno why. being truthful will sometimes mean that i’ll hurt another, so tell me, am i supposed to be honest? i tot we’re not supposed to lie?

nightmares all the way! WHAT HAPPENED? 我只是想要睡觉而已。 [=

things may come to this stage, sometimes i wonder is it my doings. sorry, i jus wanna be honest with you about how i feel. i wonder how am i gonna face u all and treat as nth happened when oct comes. lets wait ba.

friends come, they go too. i have friends who go and nv come back.

for them: fuck off babies! im happier without you.

i hav alot to say, but this is not a good place to pen down my thoughts. im lazy to write them down. lazy to say them out, tear open my heart when i die!

will i be so lazy that i’ll stop talking one day?

and den… i feel everyone ard me are so fake. or maybe its just me alone. nvm, i jus wanna retreat to one corner and be isolated. i will be happy. or maybe i should disown everyone, my friends, sisters, schmates, clsmates, coursemates, EVERYONE and start afresh. im tired. i just wanna be a bitch and let everyone shoot me with their guns and die on the spot! im tired of everyone. (you, you, you, and you! yesh, its you!)

nth is as smooth as mango pudding for me. boohoo.

my birthday list. pls tell me wad ure buying for me okay? to ensure no duplicates. wuaha. ur can share and buy. jus dun buy sth that i dun wan. thanks.

1. demin berms from queensway

2. a set of bikini from mango ( $45 i think. black colour. if not, i wan those with designs and those with straps, not with strings one)

3. Slips on from Neckermann ( Size 7/8. $30)

4. Clothes (More pls! Size L thanks!)

5. Big Chunky Belts

6. Steam Iron from VS Sassoon ($49.90)

7. Small size leather bag ($30+)

8. Sunglasses ($19.90)

9. Someone to sponsor me to send my white top for customisation at haut

10. Someone to sponsor to the dentist

11. Slippers from Queensway ($19.90)

12. Jeans from Giordano (size 26. can get the discount coupon from me)

13. a spaghetti top from Mango (size L. $25)

tell me wad ure buying for me! i dun need surprises. haha. i dun like surprises. rem tt. i shall love you for all these!

sch starts today. was back in sch after 7 weeks of attachment at giordano. still rem how i use to fret and grumble when i know im goin to spend 7 weeks there. but well, aft 7 weeks, i find it sad to leave them. boohoo!

sigh! i actually had alot of stuffs to write but when i started on this, everything just disappear from my mind. i think im suffering from memory lapse. anywayy, i read from a book once, it says a person can get used to everything, if given enough time. i nod my head vigorously in my mind. well, time is the factor again! once more.

met loh and jing in sch today. glad that loh’s in the same lect with me. (=  she looked so haggard. must be her hair colour lahh! hurry bring back ur radiance and start kaobei ok! i miss her.

finally told mama abt my thoughts. though her reply was short and abrupt, okay lah, i know she cares. but jus dunno why my family is so not good at expressing out their love and concern. i badly need that in my family.

dyed my hair. burgandy. i cant describe how happy he is to see my hair colour. he cant stop smiling when he saw me from opposite the traffic lights. ((=  i know that he had been tolerating my nonsense hair colour and rubbish attitute. i wanna say thank you, Thank You, THANK YOU!!

its surprising how he understands me inside out, even if i do not say a word. he knows how i felt then, how i feel now, but still he took the risk to love me. i dun wanna let him down. i dun wanna let what the rest say come true. he hates that fact that i leave everything to fate. i tried to control but i find it no use! if given a choice, i’ld rather leave my life to destiny. i know u hate it but im sorry. i know if i control my life, i’ll just be wasting my life away. but one thing im sure of, im not letting fate controlling my love for you. trust me okay! ((= 

was flipping thru my diary and found something i wrote a few mths ago. ((=

its about guys that i hate. here goes…

• guys who are possessive
• guys who wear singlets/sleeveless
• skinny guys
• those who cheat on ppl’s feelings
• guys who act pity just to win a girl’s heart
• abusive guys
• guys with no confidence/self-esteem
• guys who play pool
• lame guys who tell jokes that are really not funny at all
• irritating guys
• guys who kaobei and complain all the time
• MCPs
• guys who go ard telling their friends abt what he n his gf did
• guys who wear tinted glasses
• guys who dun groom themselves
• touchy guys
• perverted guys who talk about sex all the time
• liars

IM BORED…   hfaifrenwfuqaLBHjfvbnwhgpfowjAioFNVMFKSAJLAHhuhfinfjkbhcioqafew

since everybody think it will end fast, why did he choose to do the opposite. they are all just waiting for the show to end. why dun u wanna end it now? i know ure oso xinku, u just dun wanna say out and stress me even further. If i say i dun mind and wont care what others say, im lying. actually i do. but i just find it hard to say it out. anyway, it will all end up the same in the end. our conclusion will always be the same. TIME will be our witness. thats what we always like to say, but does it really prove anything? i hope it does.

u have no idea just how hurtful and stress i felt when the comments and opinions i had were all negative. sometimes how i felt, i dunno how to express them out. i dun think u will feel them too, because to you, im always that strong in front of you. i had my downs too. i dun expect you to be there for me every moment, but at least, know how i feel. maybe its hard, its just the beginning, everything is still so rocky. even though its 2000+ days, but like what you say, sometimes it’s just so complicated and hard to understand. seriously, i hope that we can work it out too. i have no idea how to start this, honestly.

i appreciate your truthfulness in telling me about your feelings. i like the way ure honest and frank about ur feelings towards this relationship. sometimes, the truth just hurts. i dunno how can i make u be sure and confirm abt this. i really dunno. like what i used to say, leave it to TIME. but, what if few months or even 1 year down the road, we’re still like this? theres no steps forward, neither are there any backwards. what are we supposed to do by then? its frightening to have a relationship like this.

i dunno what to do now, dunno what to expect. just hope that TIME can really helps.

maybe hanging on doesnt mean that i love him. it only goes to show how materialistic i am.

someone asked, do u really love him? or izzit just his looks? in fact, more than one asked. at 1st i was very sure i love him, gradually, feelings fade. but somehow, no matter how long, image and smell of him owaz linger at the back of my mind. ppl told me that it’s not worth doin all this when he doesnt even care a hoot about it. those who had been in love once, u know wad im toking about. some said i loved him so deeply is because of his looks. i dun denied that. its partly because of that. but does tt show that im a materialistic girl? someone who only goes for looks and nth else? im sorry to disappoint u, but im not.

anyway, he’s out of my heart, ppl. believe me.

my best said: "every new year u sure gt new bf one. cursed man."  of cuz i know she’s joking, but somehow, it makes me ponder over wad she said. i dun blame her of cuz! just thinking. (=

new yr was bored. i wanted to sms my best, and i realised that she’s out of s’pore. i din replied to any of the new yr’s sms from my friends, not because ure not my best. partly was im fed up with my phone and im irritated by those chi new yr sms, which is fucking lame and stupid and irritating. im not blaming those who sent me. im thankful that u still rem me. (=

having a small arguement with one. i know she aint feeling good. but dying will make all of us feel better? i just dun like the way she thinks. she just wanna be alone in bad times. shares the good times with everybody. stop it! STOP IT! dun be so noble! it doesnt helps in this world anymore. from the moment that ive learn how to think, i know this world isnt as good as it seems. and im proved to be correct. so pls, stop indulging urself in misery alone. i know we are not able to help in every way, but at least! let us help to carry ur burden! i dunno whether she’ll be reading this, but if she is, <hey, wake up! u and i know its no use being like this. both of us know the feeling. it may be a little hard, but trust me. there’s hope everywhr. ive found mine, im waiting for urs.>

to the one. thanks for being there. still.

finally most of the projects are over. now’s only left marketing and etiquette, which sucks totally lo!

its now new yr eve. whoo! it seems that time is passing faster & faster as we grew older. this year, i mean the lunar year, seems to pass so fast lahh. dun even have time to stop and think abt all the stuffs. well, ive stop writing resolutions cuz i know i wont adhern to them, SO WADS THE USE? stop trying to bluff urself by having resolutions! u know few months down the road, the list wld be hiding in some dirty unwanted files and corners! stop wasting paper!

why is it most of my friends are so upset lately? breakups, feelings lost, betrayal of friendships. indeed, as time grows, one tends to understand others better. why is it we owaz have to wait till the last minute before we realise all is wrong? even in the 1st place? aiya. anywayy, its a new year lahh. the previous year was a totally wrong year for me. this year, plss! let me have a good life ahead!

oh yeah, sept. its kusu time, dun forget jing, jun! we’re supposed to hav a date! oh yeah, shall ask sy and yx to tag along if they’re okay.